Should You Let Your Partner in On Your Emotional Baggage?

by Marzipan on August 19, 2010 · 28 comments

Yes.

It’s as simple as that.

But don’t you worry – I’ll elaborate, if only because I’m not really an answer-in-one-word-kind-of-girl, if you know what I mean, and since you read this blog, I’m fairly certain that you do.

This question has been sort of circulating around the internet as of late, particularly in regards to body image and disordered eating, with many wondering whether or not that is information to share with your boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/partner/hook-up/friendwithbenefits/WHOMEVER.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that one of my basic philosophies is: secrecy breeds shame. And thus MM places a heavy emphasis on being honest and having faith that someone will love you for EXACTLY who you really are, because you are just so very wonderful and lovable and unique.

Now, I’m an oversharer. I admit it. I have a tendency to bombard with personal information. And, while it has been a little bit of time now since I’ve been dating, I have faith that these tendencies haven’t changed much.

The reality is, how can you build a healthy, intimate relationship, if you don’t share your flaws, odd ends, and not-so-pretty-parts. Now, I do not mean harp on for days on end about each and every one of your exes, or what foods you at that day and how it made you feel, or a running inner monologue of your inadequacies.

And I beg you not to have conversations like that with yourself either. They aren’t doing you any good.

What I do mean is, checking in with where you are coming from. For example, I am just one person doing the best that I can. If you want to be in a relationship with me, you have to understand: I have had extreme body image issues and thus have a very difficult time trusting my body and it’s natural instincts. I have experienced sexual trauma, and there are occasions where this triggers my total fear and anxiety ridden shut down. My life has been unstable and I require nesting and regularity to feel loved and safe. Money anxiety completely debilitates me when pressed, and my life is based around my ability to pay my bills on time.

These are just statements. I do not feel any shame over these tender spots in my psyche, and I will not apologize for them because they are the products of my life to this point. They are a combination of my learned experiences, and they allow me to help people [and be a better girlfriend] on a daily basis.

If I kept all of these secrets from my girlfriend, she would be unable to truly know me or understand why I behave the way that I do. And honestly, when you are a person who has experienced any sort of trauma, it is impossible that it does not impact the way you act in any way. No matter how hard you attempt to submerge something, there are triggers that all of us have, and when pressed, we can often revert back to a very raw and fearful place.

If I kept all of these secrets from my girlfriend – how could she understand when the slightest touch or statement renders me useless, crumpled on the floor, hysterical and irrational? How could she understand what I mean when I say I can’t feel her love? How could she know how to love me in a way that hits me right in the heart, so real and spoken in my own language?

While I understand the argument for not bombarding a new relationship with all of your past hurts, there will come a time where you have to fess up if you truly want the relationship to have a fighting chance.

What do you think? Do you tend to lay all of your cards down in a relationship or hold them close to your chest for fear of what happens when someone truly knows your flaws?

Tagged as: compulsive eating, emotional baggage, fear, relationships, sex positive culture, trust

KCLAnderson (Karen)

We are twins in this regard. I am a sharer. I tell all. And thankfully husband appreciates this in me.

That said, one thing I learned a long time ago (and there may be gender differences here, so bear with me) is that when someone loves you, there’s no point in pointing out what you hate about your body to them. They don’t don’t notice. They want all of you, chubby tummy, jiggly thighs, saggy boobs, and all.

I know that this isn’t specifically what you were talking about, but I wanted to say it anyway
KCLAnderson (Karen) recently posted..The Emperor’s New Clothes

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

I LOVE this comment, because it is so true. They DO want all of you – even the wobbly bits. It’s really good to keep that in mind : )

http://bringingupbronwyn.com Eileen @ Bringing Up Bronwyn

I met my husband right after I was coming off a period of shame and baggage. I had let my life fall a part and had done some stupid things, and I had some stupid things done to me. Some my fault, others very much not my fault.

Luckily for both of us I had already made the steps to correct my path before we met, but I still had a long way to go. It was a case of him choosing to go along for the ride, or bail. He chose to stay.

I’d like to think I didn’t share everything in one heap of emotional/verbal diarrhea of the mouth, but it all came to the surface quickly, or there is no way it would have worked.

I tend to overshare too, but hey if they can’t deal with the baggage, isn’t it good to know from the beginning?
Eileen @ Bringing Up Bronwyn recently posted..Emotionally Backward

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so very, very good to know from the beginning.. I’d rather know up front if I’m going to make someone run away ; )

http://ontherocksandstraightup.blogspot.com Angie @ On the rocks and straight up

I absolutely agree. To a point. While it’s important for your partner to understand your issues, I found out the hard way that it’s a bad idea to use your spouse/partner in place of a therapist. Sometimes it’s just too much to heap on someone who (especially if we’re talking about someone of the XY chromosome variety) may not have the ability to deal with it, or to deal with it in a way that is helpful.

Hope that makes sense. Love the post.

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

So very true – disclosing issues DOES NOT mean constantly using your partner for at therapeutic dumping ground. Not only because that can get old really quickly, but because sometimes it keeps you from being able to move forward. If the issues that you are discussing requires actual real therapeutic help, I’ve always found that my relationship flourishes when I’m seeking outside help, because I can keep conversations with my loved ones to new, exciting, and lighter/happier topics…

http://birdsiviews.wordpress.com Linz

Yes, when it’s a committed, legit relationship. I’ve found myself confiding in guys who didn’t truly care about me, only to scare them off and leaving me with even ::more:: baggage. So make sure your partner actually gives a shit about you first (duh, right?)

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

That is a really good distinction – not all relationships are worth your utmost honesty and intimacy. Sometimes things are more casual. Sometimes partners are simply not worth your time or energy. But, at the end of the day, I’m going to stick with this: if your baggage scares them off then they are a) lame and b) not a good match for you and you should be glad you got rid of them anyway ; ) Stick with it, and don’t give up heart because you are so wonderful! Someone is going to love you for exaaaaaactly who you are.

http://thepaigeturner3.blogspot.com/ Paige

This is something I struggle with, especially as I debate whether even trying to date is a good idea while I am trying to recover. But I do think ultimately it is important to share, I’m just not sure at what point I would lay it all out there. Then I worry is that a lie of omission if they don’t know about my baggage upfront.
Paige recently posted..Treatment – Or maybe Not

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There is no good time to date. I met my girlfriend when I was all confused and messed up and really in the worst possible place to start a relationship, but it came along and I just had to jump on board. I say, start with taking care of yourself, but be open to what’s going on around you – that way it’s a win win, you are making your self care a priority, but maybe you’ll be surprised by some romance along the way.

http://www.healthforthewholeself.com Katie @ Health for the Whole Self

In some ways I am a natural sharer, but in other cases – such as with my eating issues – I’ve had a tendency to share less. Why? Exactly because of what you said – SHAME. That was one of the main reasons I first started my blog – so that I could be open about my struggles, in order to show both others and myself there there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Katie @ Health for the Whole Self recently posted..What Do I REALLY Need

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Well, the eating issues are the hardest to share. For me they reside on the bottom most level of my secrecy, not only because I’m ashamed to feel the way that I do, but because I feel bad for feeling awful to begin with. These types of issues tend to get us all boggled up and confused and embarrassed – BUT I’ve found that keeping them bottled up makes the issues worse. Have you felt that way?

http://www.steffsays.com steff (steffsays)

i agree 100% (one million % if it were possible)! my partner of 5+ years knows each and every dark little thing that the vast majority of people in my life don’t know. how could i spend my life with him & how could he truly understand me if i kept those things from him. they are part of what makes me ME!
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Steff, I have reread this comment so many times since you left it. I really feel like your approach (and your relationship) is so admirable and inspiring. I love the idea that my girlfriend knows everything about me, and still manages to love me – even when I’m being AWFUL and tortured. It helps her understand me and the reasons why I respond the way that I do, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Thank you!!

http://www.nourishing-the-soul.com Ashley @ Nourishing the Soul

In my experience, when I lay all the cards on the table, it’s usually because the person in front of me has created a sense of safety and an environment in which I can do so. I think most of us have incredible intuition, so to me, it’s a sign that a relationship is “meant-to-be” if the words start flowing. This is obviously not always true – for some, spilling everything is a form of self-abuse – but I think in general emotional baggage must be shared and explored in order to have a genuine relationship.
Ashley @ Nourishing the Soul recently posted..Journey into Loneliness – Lesson from Eat- Pray- Love

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I agree completely! There are moments where I have known that I am not in a position to allow myself to really be myself, and in the end it was because I was making a poor partner choice, even if I didn’t want to see it at the time. Someone who is a good match for you will be there for you and support you AND create that safe environment wherein you can share yourself with them. Thanks Ashley!

http://zenlizzie.com zenlizzie

I tend to hint at deeper issues and then one day just lay it all out on the table, sneak attack-style. Lol. It isn’t on purpose, it just seems to be the way things have happened. I guess I have always been very nervous about opening myself up to criticism , so I tend to drop hints to gauge how things will go. My boyfriend, knows 95% of my worst, deepest, ugliest parts, and in a lot of ways I feel OK about that. He is still here, even though he doesn’t know what to say about it most of the time. The other 5% just stays locked away, even from myself most of the time. I hope that one day I can be totally honest, but I need more security and stability before that can happen.
One reason that I don’t share more emotional baggage with people I love is because I don’t want to burden them. I don’t want them to be thinking about my craziness when we spend time together, or when something unrelated happens.
zenlizzie recently posted..My wonky feet- A sad overpronation story

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Ha! I’m all about the sneak attack. Like “Oh HAIIII, I’m totally normal”… Just kidding! No, but truly, I am a lay it all on the table kind of girl too. And, please, feel free to burden us with all of your messiness here at MM, not only can we take it, but we will love you for it – that last 5%, that’s where the magic happens. xoxox.

http://www.success-ladder.com the Success Ladder

I really like your blog. Very good posts! Please continue posting such awesome cnotent.
http://www.faithfitnessfun.com Tina

How fitting! I actually have this as part of the 30 reflections. That somebody loves you and supports you and you can count on that and find peace in it. And recognize that if somebody loves you (and usually its more than one somebody) then why can’t you love yourself?

Anyways – that’s a bit outside of here. I do know that it wasn’t until I fully disclosed my binging issues with my husband that I really began overcoming them. Feeling that support system was tremendous. He knew I had body image and food issues but not the depth. It was scary to share, but it had to happen. Sharing with those you love is vital.

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

This is so true! I feel the same way about my myriad of issues – when I keep them quiet and locked up it tends to breed shame which only compounds the initial problem. I find that when I’m honest and open about my experiences, I am able to look at them more objectively, and, thus, overcome them more easily. Thanks for the comment!

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http://www.peacesofearth.com Jackie (Peaces of Earth)

I love that you say “secrecy breeds shame.” I find myself holding a lot in in relationships and I’m really ready to fix this next time around. I have no choice but to fix it. Holding things in only gives them more power. When you release them by sharing them, they’re not quite as bad.
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http://www.110pounds.com Lisa

Honesty and openness is best. I try to “solve” my own problems and tend to brood and keep things inside. That just makes it all worse. My boyfriend tells me to just tell him what I’m thinking and feeling so we can work it though together.
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http://movingforwardfromed.blogspot.com/ Heather

For me, it’s an issue of sharing vs. burdening. Sharing, and still taking responsibility for one’s self, is a normal and expected part of a relationship. It means people can support one another and get through things together. Burdening, to me, is where we hand over responsibility for ourselves – for whatever reason – and give up doing the work to help ourselves get better. From what I’ve seen, when you over-share tothe point of burdening others, you cease to have a relationship in a romantic sense but rather in a carer-victim/sick-person manner. We all do it a little at times, but this I think is where it can become a struggle as people adjust and get trapped in roles.
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I agree Heather – there is a line between sharing and burdening. That said, I have always felt that if my being honest allows me to look like a victim or sick person, I haven’t been in the personal space to be having a relationship at that moment. There are many, many people who can navigate that successfully, but for me, that becomes the moment where I need to take a major step back and reassess where I’m at.