A couple of days ago I got an email from a friend, asking me to further explain a notion that I had touched upon in my engagement post. In that post, I stated:
And it wasn’t easy – when we met Cookie told me REPEATEDLY that she didn’t want a girlfriend and would never/could never love me the way I wanted to be loved. I kept showing up. She told me there was no permanent place for me in her life. I kept showing up. She told me that it would never work. I kept showing up.
She wanted me to elaborate on the idea of “Showing Up” and what it means to me. Now, at first I kind of laughed because it seemed as though this statement was perhaps just a mere technicality of the piece as a whole, but as I’ve been thinking about it, it appears that this philosophy does explain approximately 99% of my life strategy – thereby requiring a bit more explanation.
When I say show up, I mean: persevering against all odds, stepping up to the plate when all of the odds are stacked up against you, forward motion when you see no clear path or cannot understand how something will work out. It means waking up day after day and just winging it, on the hope and prayer that somehow, someway, the doors will open before you by the shear force of your dreaming. It means, not just sitting back and resting on your laurels, it means placing one foot in front of the other, even when you can’t see where that foot will land.
It also means dreaming big and having faith. It means believing in the inherent good in others, and love above all else. It means not giving up even when everyone tells you that there is no chance in hell that it is going to turn out in your favor.
In my relationship: Showing up means waking up everyday and saying “Good morning sweetheart, I love you.” For someone who has had instability and uncertainty throughout the majority of their lives [as both C and I have], this repetitive action is healing all of our wounds and reminding us that we can create our lives exactly how we want them. Showing up means, not running away when things get hard or scary or inconvenient. It means working through each and every instance, because we are aware that our relationship is worth the struggle and aggravation of overcoming our emotional baggage. At the beginning this was scary and based on a gigantic leap of faith, but over the past two years, the leaping has been replaced by a quiet ritual of gratitude and routine – wherein we take a moment to remember how amazing it is that we found one another and how lucky we are.
Showing up means not giving up.
In my career: Showing up means having faith in my dreams and my ambition – no matter how many people tell me that I am insane, or that this here blog will never amount to anything, or that I should just buckle down and get a real job. It means, believing in my ability to create something new for myself, wherein I can work and feel as though I’m working towards something good, and reap the benefits of my hard labor. It means taking risks, not knowing whether or not they will go over well, but trusting that someone, somewhere will hear what I have to say and be grateful that someone said it.
And most importantly, these days, showing up means – gearing up, moving to a new city, taking out more money than I know I can pay back, and going back to school. It means moving forward, paying security deposits and order books online, choosing classes, funding a new lifestyle with hopes and dreams when I only have $59.62 in my bank account. It means creating authentic ways to make money. It means being MORE honest with you, no matter what, and writing it all down here.
Showing up means pulling yourself up by your bootstraps when you are terrified and feeling small and unimportant. It means digging deep and pulling through. It means sacrificing everything because you just know that something amazing is right around the next corner waiting to scoop you up and shower you with love.
What IF you rose to the challenge, battled insurmountable obstacles, and believed in yourself even when no one else does? What might you be capable of?
Is it worth it?
Photo borrowed from the wonderful Kelly Dare of Immediate Surrounds.
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