this is what progress looks like

Or, Why I Refused To Starve Myself For The Photoshoot.

I will warn you that if you are easily triggered, this post may prove upsetting for you. I talk very blatantly about my disordered eating emotions/thought patterns and extreme body image lows, though there is a happy ending, I pinky swear.

Now. I thought that this was going to be one teensy tinsy What If Wednesday post, but as it was actually happening to me, I realized that there were MANY, many of my own body image issues that this little adventure brought up for me. So if you didn’t catch yesterday’s post, What IF: I Stripped Down for a Good Cause?, head on over and read the background to get yourself all caught up. And stay tuned for tomorrow’s post, How/Why I Said No to Photoshop.

So, as this little project was looming, I was experiencing some old me thinking. These thoughts sound a little like this:

T-minus three weeks until the shoot, stop eating all dairy, wheat, sugar, carbs, and alcohol. Reduce bloat as much as possible. Do yoga everyday. Look your best. You DO want to look your best don’t you? I mean, everyone is going to see you. See YOU. See your cellulite. See your stomach rolls.

T-minus two weeks. You have been eating like SHIT lately. You haven’t been making any effort whatsoever. You are a failure. You should go on a raw fast for the next two weeks for some major damage control. Wrap yourself in cellophane! Sweat out all of your water weight!

T-minus one week. You are 30 pounds over your “happy weight”. You are revolting. You have no business taking ANYTHING off for anyone. You are going to be one of those “you better lose weight unless you want to look like this”. No one will ever love you. Stop eating TODAY. Maybe you can lose five pounds by next week.

Day before shoot. I do not care if it is your day off.  Veggies and water only today. And kale. I don’t care what you want. You do not deserve to eat.

I really hope that this doesn’t sound familiar to you. I wouldn’t wish this thinking on anyone, but I will say, unfortunately, that I know that these thoughts are far, far more common than any of us want to admit.

This is how the binge/punish cycle works.

When you are bingeing and punishing yourself for it – you are always coming up with another “plan,” you are always going to “start tomorrow.” You are repeatedly putting your body down, and reinforcing the shame by implementing plans to carve/sculpt/reduce/diminish/remove.

And you know what? The day before the photo shoot I ate exactly this: a waffle and peanut butter, fried chicken with Frank’s hot sauce (so much – SO good), cantaloupe and prosciutto, salad, and half an order of fish and chips. Now, I have been working doubles for the past five days, and all I wanted to do was relax on the beach and not stress out about my body/my weight/what I should or shouldn’t be eating to look my best.

The fact is: even if your goal is to lose weight (mine is not, by the way, but instead to love my body exactly how it is on each and every single day) starving yourself or yo-yo dieting does not work. Eating intuitively, trusting your hunger cues and cravings, and being kind to yourself does work. And, bonus, it feels far better while you’re doing it.

Fact: I got practically naked for a photo yesterday.

Fact: I am at least 30 pounds over my ideal/happy weight. Note this is not a “goal weight,” but a weight where my body naturally rests when it is active and well cared for.

Fact: I gained every single one of those 30 pounds, because I have fallen madly in love and have been too busy having the most romantic and wonderful dates every day for the last two years.

Fact: I wouldn’t change this last fact for all the world. My life is amazing right now. I am so very happy. To my core happy, perhaps for the first time in my life.

Fact: Even though my body feels vaguely uncomfortable and out-of-bounds right now, I do my best to love it anyway, because it is all that I have. And I am proud of it and all that it does for me.

Fact: I may be fat, but I’m still kind of a hottie. I have no remorse about either of those things anymore.

So, today, this is my promise to my body:

You are perfect and beautiful exactly how you are, 30 pounds or not. You are inspiring others to love their bodies with your fearless bravery. You have so much to be proud of. You are not the number on the scale, or the size of your jeans. You are totally kicking ass right now. I will not starve you or punish you or make you feel less than phenomenal. I will feed you and hydrate you to the very best of my abilities. I will take care of you. You don’t have to worry. You are safe.

What do you want to promise your body today? How do you combat the “old you” thinking?

Tagged as: blogger body calendar, body image, eating, exercise, fear, food, intuitive eating, mental health, self esteem, weight, weight loss