a prayer for the children of divorce

by Marzipan on July 8, 2010 · 22 comments

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a child of divorce, as many, many people who are growing up in the US right now share this common experience. People are getting divorced more swiftly these days, it seems, and quite often [more often than not?] people are growing up in non-nuclear household configurations.

I have a lot of friends that believe that they can’t imagine getting married or having long term relationships due to the fact that they are children of divorce. They believe that no relationship lasts, and that there is no reason to make such a major commitment, only to deal with the legal ramifications of separation shortly thereafter.

I disagree.

As a child of divorce – I have quite an optimistic view of long term commitment. Instead of worrying about the inevitable end of my relationship or termination of my marriage, I take comfort in knowing that there is life after divorce.

As I’ve mentioned before, my parents divorced when I was a small child, but before they separated, everything was horrible – there was fighting, sneakiness, hurt, all of those things that adults think that children are unaware of [they aren't] or that they can protect their kids from [they can't]. Once they separated, they did the thing that most adults do – they enlisted the help of many therapists, all working to “fix me” and my broken heart and help me cope with my the dissolution of my parents marriage.

Even as a little kid, I was happy that my parents got a divorce.

It meant no more fighting, no more awfulness, no more tension. It meant that my dad moved out, actually moved across the street, and that my parents shared custody. For many years there was still difficulty, name-calling, blame assigning, court battles, custody debates, child support payments that went unpaid, and anger – but still it was a little bit better than when they had been together.

And now? I am happy to have the personal knowledge that I can go through a divorce and still find love, live a full and exciting life, make new homes elsewhere, travel, change professions, and be happy. I’m happy to have grown up watching my parents fall in and out of love with other people. I’m happy to have had the exposure of many different step-parents.

I’m grateful that I can get married without any fear of what will happen should it for some reason not work out. I’m grateful that the fear of dissolution has been eliminated. Now, I can just bask in the excitement of possibility. If it doesn’t work – I won’t regret having done it and I will move on with my life, maybe to marry again maybe not.

It makes me really sad to think that people take such a negative view of divorce, using it to aid their own relationship fears. Fear about commitment is entirely understandable and normal – but that doesn’t mean that you should be to afraid to try just because it didn’t work out perfectly for your parents. We are all moving and growing and changing, and hopefully we change along side our partner but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. Sometimes life gets in the way and things happen and relationships end, but we shouldn’t set out anticipating failure.

Today, I’m crossing my fingers and saying little prayers for all of the children of divorce who are brave enough to work towards creating healthy, happy, and long lasting relationships, even when it seems as though all odds are against you. Yes divorce rate is HUGE in this country. Yes fewer and fewer people subscribe to old fashioned make it work relationship gospel – but the truth is, relationships are hard and being partnered with someone can be one of the best/most difficult/painful/wonderful/insane things that you can do. But if you love someone, your relationship is worth working for.

Are you a child of divorce? Do you think that it impacts your ability to move forward in your relationships? Why/Why not?

Tagged as: children, divorce, family, gay marriage, marriage, relationships, self help, therapy

http://www.biggirlbombshell.com Jules – Big Girl Bombshell

OH WOW! What a great question! No, I am not a child of divorce, but I wish I would have been! My Mom stayed “because of the kids” and it was always a big battlefield. They finally divorced when I was in my 30′s. On the flip side, I divorced when my children were small. (3 & 5) There issues with relationships are based more on some co-dependent behaviors they learned from me rather than being the product of divorce.
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http://s.rvxn.org sui

I’m not a child of divorce, but my sister is. & part of the reason she doesn’t want kids is because she doesn’t want to ever have to divorce and possibly tear the family apart.

however, even though I know marriage, and the “this is forever” belief is an institution and possibly an outdated belief/result of social pressure, I still choose to believe in it. because for me, marriage doesn’t have much meaning unless you’re in it for life… otherwise it could just be one long long-term relationship. that’s just my belief on marriage. I don’t want to ever get divorced (but if it comes to that, and I have to, so be it). but I want to make the right choice first, the right choice for my children and my family and my life.
sui recently posted..project- summer 2010- weeks 3 -amp 4

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

I agree, completely. xooxxox.

http://www.theflowersinherhair.com Katherine

Love this! I am a child of divorce, after divorce, after divorce. My husband is a child of divorce. It happens. Am I thankful my mom got out of 2 horrible marriages? Yes. Totally. I am in a marriage that is loving and tough at the same time. Marriage isnt always sunshine and rainbows, but I do find comfort in doing it together. I really love your optimism about this topic, as some people cant even say the word divorce. There is life and love and happiness after it, people just have to work for it.

Love!

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

Love!! It’s true, though I’m not married, YET – marriage isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, and I feel as though people need to want to weather the storm with one another if it has any possibility of working out in the long term.

KCLAnderson (Karen)

My parents got divorced in 1964, back when it wasn’t legal in this country to get divorced…my Mom went to Mexico! By herself, when she was 24. I was two at the time, so I don’t have much of a memory of what it was like to have them together. I do know their divorce affected me on so many different levels…and it happened at a time when no one was aware of counseling and therapy and co-parenting and all those other issues. Anyway, one thing I know for sure is that their divorce (not to mention their subsequent marriages and divorces) did not dampen my desire to get married. And you know what’s interesting? I have an incredibly strong, happy marriage. And I waited until I was 35 to get married.

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

I love to hear that! I firmly believe that children of divorce can have strong and happy marriages – perhaps even more so than their still-married-parents counterparts because there is a realism to their commitment, knowing the alternative and proceeding in the face of obstacles. Thanks so much ALWAYS for such thought provoking and wonderful comments : )

http://www.ellecubed.net Ellecubed

Thank you so so much for writing this. I was also a child who was happy when my parents got a divorce. Sure I was sad that my family was breaking apart but in general it was a good decision for all of us. Now (nearly 10 years later) my parents are both happily remarried and both providing a good example of what is like to be married.
http://activeeggplant.com ActiveEggplant

I am a child of divorce – and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yes, part of me wishes I was part of a “regular” family. However, the simple fact that my parents DID get divorced helped shape me into who I am today.

I’ve learned that it is possible to love after divorce-my mother remarried several years ago and is SO much happier than when she was with my father (not to mention her husband is AMAZING to me and my siblings). He truly is like a real father to me. I can’t imagine my life without him.

My parent’s divorce also helped me learn that I am a strong person & I don’t need a “relationship” to define me and my life. I was single until my mid 20s (seriously, no boyfriend til I was 24) . I owe it to my mother that I didn’t feel worthless while I was single because she showed me it’s possible to be single and happy.

This happiness with myself also made my relationship with my husband (of almost 5 years) grow and flourish. He is also a child of divorce. We both know how we “don’t” want our marriage to be after seeing what both of our families went thru before the divorces. It has helped us take our marriage more seriously-we didn’t rush into our marriage and we have worked through any problems that come up instead of calling it quits like we’ve seen some friends do already.

While being a child of divorce had it’s ups and downs, I think the “idea” of divorce is sometimes much more scary than the reality of it.
http://carbzilla.britehive.com Carbzilla

Interesting post. My mom’s been married three times (now single) and my dad’s been married twice (now with a girlfriend). I was not happy when my parents got divorced (1976), and I don’t think they handled the whole thing very well (loonnnggg story that you’d have to hear to believe). That said, I’m thrilled to pieces that no one wanted to marry me until my current husband. I think it saved me from my own divorce(s) which, on top of everything else, can be financially devastating as well as emotionally. I didn’t get married until I was 37 and we’d been together 5 years at that point (but I also knew I didn’t want kids so that put me in a totally different boat than most people). I can honestly say I have the best marriage in my entire family, and I’m really proud of that. I took my parents’ experience as a cautionary tale for sure!
http://healthandhappinessinLA.blogspot.com Erika @ Health and Happiness in LA

I’m glad to finally hear someone say that being the child of divorce isn’t the worst thing in the world!

My parents got divorced when I was 7 and it honestly has never negatively affected me. They are still friends and are both happily remarried and never spoke negatively about each other, so my brother and I were never put in the middle.

As for my relationships, I still believe in long-term, even life-long, monogamy, and I know that it takes a lot of work. My mom has been really open with me about what caused her and my dad to get divorced, and I think that it’s helped me learn a lot about relationships and increased my chances at having a successful marriage someday.
http://thewholestylenetwork.com Ellie Di

I’m also a child of divorce – my parents split when I was in 1st grade, I believe (I think we’ve actually hit the 20-year mark, now that I think about it). Overall, I feel it made my parents better people and made my brother and me more stable individuals. I can’t speak directly for Sam, but for my part I don’t feel the fears about relationships that many people who are a “product of divorce” feel. While I certainly encounter the twinges of anxiety regarding failed relationships and abandonment, I definitely set them squarely in the “normal” range – no more and no less than your average person deals with. On the other hand (or maybe even on the same hand), I feel like I’m well-equipped to deal with the loss of a significant other because I’ve watched my mother’s relationships (three ended marriages (not failed – you always learn something worthwhile)) and learned that the end is not as bad as we think.

This is actually the first time I’ve even remotely written about being a child of divorce, so it’s a bit rambly and not put together terribly well. Maybe I’ll hang on to this idea and write something of my own soon. <3
Ellie Di recently posted..How Vision and Culture Shape Language
Nicole

I am not a child of divorce, but I am divorced. When the topic comes up I always feel the need to say that sometimes divorce is right and necessary, and that it is still very possible for the two individuals involved to love and support each other after the marriage is over. My ex-husband and I made our decision when I knew I needed to come out of the closet and although it was tough and chaotic for such close families, over time we slowly shed the negative and focused on what was important: love, support, understanding.

Coincidentally, he met (and is in a serious relationship with) a young woman who split with her long-term boyfriend because he came out, too. You really never know what the future holds until you face it and explore it.
http://zenlizzie.wordpress.com ZenLizzie

I never really felt broken as a child of divorce until my own romantic relationships began to deteriorate. When your first, second loves betray you in the same ways that your parents/grandparents betrayed one another, it kind of sounds alarms, like, “This is just what people do to each other.”
I think at the beginning of relationships, I’ve been more hopeful, but as time has gone on it seems like 99% of relationships deteriorate. I started looking around and realized that out of the hundreds of couples that I know, only a small handful have relationships that I would want for myself, none of them in my immediate family. And those people are the exception, not the rule.
Sorry if this is scattered, but I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I think that people have biological soul mates.. people they are meant to have children with, but I think that most people are too flawed, selfish and difficult to be in forever-relationships.
I do not in anyway blame my parents for my views. I think they are human, and divorce was the best solution. They divorced when I was a freshman in college, and honestly, they probably should have done it a lot sooner. They were great parents, and they tried really, really hard to make sure that I was OK.
I am extra bitter lately, seeing lots of old classmates getting married, because it just seems to me that people get married because it is the right time, chronologically or financially. They get married as a way to say, “I want to be with you for more than a few years. And I want to be able to punish you, legally, if you mess this up.”
ZenLizzie recently posted..Back in the gym with a sweaty work out glow
http://food4fitness.wordpress.com/ Eunice

My parents didn’t get divorced until I was 21 or so. They were married 33 years and from what we could see as their children, they were perfectly happy. My dad cheated on my mom and married some other lady. My mom is living the single life and from what I can tell, loving it.

Their divorce hasn’t made me bitter towards marriage. Although their situation does make me worry about commitment in general. I don’t know how long two people can stay together. It depends on the people and how hard they try. My boyfriend’s parents are also divorced, and here we are 6 years later with no plans to get married yet. My parents’ divorce has encouraged me to take it slow and not rush into things. I guess that’s a good thing, right?? We do plan to get married eventually. I do believe in marriage. And you make a great point, there is life after divorce if that should happen. My mom is living proof!
Eunice recently posted..Eunice’s How-To’s- Running Safely
http://oatsnboats.com Anna @ OatsNBoats

While I am not the child of divorced parents, my husband is, or rather, he was a teenager of divorced parents.
What he came away with was the importance of talking about things as they come up. He believes in this so strongly that he is almost always the one to make me talk about things, even if it’s the same thing I was upset about the last time. He is afraid of letting things build up inside. It makes our communication better.
From my perspective, I see a wonderful part to his parents divorce – the woman that his dad later married and became my mother-in-law. She is a fantastic addition to the family and I am grateful to call her my mother-in-law. While she joined the family after my husband was off at college, and so has a different relationship with him (ie at no point was she ever his “mother”), he respects her and sees how she brings a great side out of his father.
Now, I also have friends of divorced parents who definitely had this negatively affect them in terms of relationships with others – fear of trusting the other person, expectations of cheating, etc. On the flip side, one of my friend’s parents stayed together until the kids were through high school – and they told the kids that – so they were aware of the fact that they were what was keeping their parents together for more than 6 years – and that was an incredibly difficult weight for my friend to bear. She didn’t understand, she felt guilty. I don’t know how that has affected her today but it had a significant impact on her then.
http://www.postcardsfromapeacefuldivorce.com Molly Monet

I really love this post because I am a divorcee and have two children 6 and 8. They have done really well since our breakup, but a lot of that has to do with the fact that my ex and I have stayed friendly. I love hearing your perspective as an adult, especially what you said about having step parents and watching your parents date. Check out my blog Postcards from a Peaceful Divorce. I discuss the joys, challenges and humorous moments of divorced living.
Molly Monet recently posted..The Victimless Divorce

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

Hey Molly! I have to admit that was another reason that I wrote this post. Everyone is always super concerned about their divorce and it’s impact on their children, and I wanted to remove a little bit of pressure/shame/fear from parents. Because lets admit it, you have a lot on your plate when you’re going through a divorce, and I thought that it might be a little bit of a relief to know that you’re kids are going to be alright ; )

Rosy

I am a child of divorce. My parents had 6 kids of which I am the oldest. They didn’t divorce until I was 15, but it was for the best. The youngest of my siblings is the healthiest mentally and didn’t have to live under our father, nor did he have to listen to all of the fighting that went on or deal with the constant control issues.

With that being said, I have been married for 20 years and have two children. There were times that I wanted to divorce my husband but didn’t because of the kids. I swore I’d never put them through the mental pain that I went through with my own parents’ divorce. I’m glad I stuck it out. The kids love their father and we have a much better relationship now after getting through some crazy times together. I know things are different for everyone – this is just my take on it all.

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

Thanks so much for sharing your story Rosy! Divorce is hard on everyone – sometimes for the best and sometimes for the not-so-best. I cannot even fathom being married to someone for 20 years without there being some MAJOR discord and i feel like anyone who tells you this doesn’t exist has just got to be lying. But I’m glad that things are going much better for you guys now! xo.

Haven

I am a child of divorce now going on 25 yrs. Still painfull sometimes, never had proper counseling, lost our family home, I was just finishing college, the floor fell right out from under me, I watched my mother shrival into skin and bones since he left us, my brother dropped out of school and fell into drugs, drinking and crime never to finish school and basically on welfare, and all of us kids desperately trying to hide the pain and move on. Holidays are the worst, family reunions, graduations, never being able to take my children to visit grandma and grandpa in the home I grew up in. Never being able to go back to the old neighborhood or a class reunion because of what happened. We have to keep the silence, MOVE ON, not look back, never mind all that, don’t bring it up!!! To have that wonderful
love and bond of a strong family ripped right out of our arms by some tramp who didn’t give a damn about any of us. I am not afraid to reveal the scars of divorce.
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