Welcome to DAY TWO of Marzipan’s REAL marriage advice feature. Did you miss out on Part One? Head on over there now to learn the cast of characters, and the premise behind this project. [Summary is that my beloved bestie is getting married come September, so I rounded up the best of the best to answer all of my rigorous interview questions in an attempt to give her and her sweetheart a little prewedding blog sesh.] Now, on to the meat of the matter:
1) What is one piece of wedding planning advice that you think is important above all else?
Sarah: Plan the heck out of it, and then on the day of, let it go. I planned my wedding by myself, and I am very type-A. My house was covered with lists, charts, magazines and samples for at least a year before my wedding. Every detail was planned, checked, and double checked, so that on the day of I didn’t have to worry about a thing. Except rain. Even that was planned for, with an alternate location for the ceremony(which we used) and pictures(which we didn’t have to use). My feelings about planning every event are do as much as you feel you can or want to do, and then let go and let fate take over. If it is going to rain on your wedding day, then it will rain. No amount of stressing or worrying will change that. The only thing you can change is your reaction. If you have already planned a secondary location for pictures, or packed an umbrella in the car so your dress won’t get wet, then you can sail through your wedding day and enjoy what’s important: your spouse.
Lauren: On your wedding day, things will go wrong. Take a deep breath, it will be OK. As long as the two of you are married at the end of the day, it was a success.
LCW: Our wedding was planned in a short amount of time and was private (family only) my best advice is do what you want, not what anyone else wants. Even though we had a small beach ceremony we did exactly as we wanted; we didn’t worry about our guests or my mother’s pleas to buy us a fancy wedding cake and big bouquets.
Ellie: I’m not much of a romantic, so I only had about 30 minutes where I was all “OMG I’M GETTING MARRIED” before I reverted back to a normal human being and started planning. Mr. Man wanted a Cinderella wedding with all the trimmings; I wanted to go to the JoP in my jeans – we met up somewhere in between. The best thing I ever did while planning was to sit down with Mr. Man before things got crazy and say, “What do you want?”. You hear horror stories about couples fighting for control in planning, and we didn’t want that to happen. So, we drew up a list of things we absolutely had to have and things we wanted to happen, and started compromising. We agreed that I was in charge because I’m the better planner, so once we had the ideas, I went to work. It worked out fabulously. The only thing that sucked on the day itself was that someone dropped a heavy box on the leftover cupcakes as we packed up the reception. I was pretty proud!
Elyssa: I was a DIY bride with a limited budget and a slew of people with whom I wanted to share the day. I didn’t even consider hiring a wedding planner because of the cost, but I do wish that I had hired someone to orchestrate on the actual day. I felt uncomfortable delegating to other people tasks that I thought I could so easily do myself, so I took on (and assigned to my mother and bridesmaids) way more than I should have. What I kept forgetting was that over the course of one day, I would be throwing a dinner and dance party for 150 people AND processing the emotions of having uttered some pretty life-altering words to the man I love. That’s one busy day, and not having had to worry about making sure we were all where we needed to be would have been greatly appreciated. A day-of wedding coordinator might have, for example, made sure that my in-laws knew to stand in the receiving line instead of heading up to the reception and wondering where everyone was. Because they hadn’t actually been told we were having a receiving line. Oops.
Kara: Have fun with the planning process! I think the only time I felt legitimately stressed about wedding planning was the week before the big day, and it is impossible not to feel stressed then! We gave ourselves almost two years to plan the wedding, and it was the perfect amount of time to enjoy the “glow” of being engaged, book the vendors we wanted well in advance, then relax until the big day.
2) How is being married different than living together/dating/pre-marital bliss?
Emily: For me that’s easy- it’s no longer an optional thing. I’m not into religion so it doesn’t come from a religious place, but I don’t believe in divorce unless someone is being abused. I married my husband knowing that whatever may go wrong in the future- we are in it together. That’s a big difference from dating because you can walk away at any time if you had to. If my husband killed someone I’d help him hide the body. I signed up to be his best friend forever, even if that means that at times it will be the hardest work I’ve ever done. But, that’s OK because the end product is so worth it.
Lauren: My last name, but that’s about all. We lived together for four years before we got married. Nothing really changed! We actually started a joint checking account when we first moved in with each other. Well, we didn’t have much money back then — we were straight out of college … but it’s certainly a testament as to how sure we were about our relationship!
Ellie: Things haven’t been that different for Mr. Man and I since the wedding. We dated long-distance for about a year before I moved and have lived together ever since (that’s about two years total co-habitation time now). It took some adjustment on first moving in, to be sure. You’ve got another person all up in your junk, doing weird crap, and touching your stuff. It can be nerve-wracking! There were a few silly fights before we started nesting, mostly just to sort out where each other’s lines were. After that, being married didn’t change much. We know each other’s routines and icky habits and have each come up with compromises (like I make dinner because he works late) or coping mechanisms (in the case of farts). The only thing that has changed, and I apologize if you’re easily embarrassed, is the frequency of sex. When you’re not living together, you’re at it constantly! But once you’re seeing each other non-stop and have established some good intimacy, things dial down. You’re comfortable and not so harried (or horny) all the time. I used to panic about this, filling my head with worries about being abandoned because I wasn’t putting out as much, but I’ve noticed recently that those fears are passing. We still have sex, it’s still awesome, and we’re still happy. That’s what’s important.
Elyssa: I never really had a reason to doubt my partner’s commitment even before we were engaged, but there was something about announcing publicly our intention to stay by each other’s side for the long haul that made me feel even more comfortable and safe in our relationship. Hearing the minister pronounce us husband and wife made me feel tied to humanity, as cheesy as that sounds. I was reminded that my parents, my parents’ parents, and their parents’ parents had come together in a similar way, and now, my husband and I had become part of that lineage, part of a beautiful, loving tradition of two people agreeing to take a journey together.
Heather: MONEY! When we were living together at first (not married), we created a joint checking account to pay our rent, bills, food, etc. Everything else was separate. We deposited the same amount into the account every month to cover expenses. The remainder of our money was our own – we could do with it as we pleased. As time has gone on, we have more and more of our money going into this joint checking account to pay more things – cars, etc. BUT I now have less money to spend on things I want. It has been challenging – very challenging. I recommended trying to make as many money decisions together – DO NOT let one person dictate your finances.
Kara: There’s a new sense of security and safety that is so, so wonderful and so difficult to put into words. I mean, I never really worried about our commitment to one another when we were dating or anything — we were pretty serious about each other from the start — but that goes to a totally different level when you exchange those rings in front of all of your family and friends. Even small fights don’t bother me now, because I know that there’s nothing in the world that could break us up! 
3) What is one piece of marriage advice that you WISH someone would have told you?
Sarah: Patience and listening. Patience is absolutely necessary within a marriage. If you go into every conversation, argument, or potentially “hot” situation with patience, you will almost certainly come out of it less angry or upset. Take a deep breath, and let your partner express him/herself. Instead of waiting for him/her to finish so you can start talking, really try to listen to what they’re saying and the emotion underneath those words. This takes work, and practice, but I truly believe that it is worth it.
LCW: You have to make time for sex, pencil it in, whatever…there needs to be time for it. Schedules can get crazy, work, keeping a house and life in general can get in the way and sex needs to be a priority.
Kara: Living together is HUGELY important before getting married (as well as the most awesome thing ever). Matt and I only lived together for a few weeks before we got married, but I spent most nights at his place the year leading up to our wedding. We got to know each other’s style when it comes to day-to-day activities (Matt’s a morning showerer, I like to shower or lounge in the bath at night), cleaning, apartment upkeep (we’re both a bit disorganized, but not sloppy), etc.; not having that piece of the puzzle would’ve made the first few months of married life really challenging.
4) What aspects of your life have improved since you got married?
Emily: Well, let’s start with I got to take my husband’s last name which is much easier for the grocery store clerks to pronounce! haha. I was trying to answer this question outside of the typical “now you get to be with your best friend” or “now you have common goals” etc. so, I asked my husband, Scott. Then he reminded me of something he says often. We own a small business & he finds that when clients find out he has a family/is married they treat him with more respect. The older generation likes to see hardworking families out there trying to make it. Believe it or not, I think that our marriage has helped even our business to succeed. It’s like you get to be in the married people’s club which is fun. I hope someday everyone will be allowed into the club because it’s pretty rad.
LCW: My husband I are best friends, I believe we’ve reached a deeper level of understanding and trust. Also when we argue we have to make up, there is no where to run and hide, I need to sleep in the same bed as him and it’s easier to talk it out, apologize and move on. I love that it forces me to resolve issues rather than bottle them up.
5) What is one thing you do to keep the romance/awesomeness alive in your relationship?
Emily: We tell each other we love each other like 47 million times a day. We call, text, email & on top of that spend at least 18 hours a day together. It’s pretty sick, actually. Things are hectic in this house but even with three babies I never find myself too tired to make time to be together. I never get the feeling like we need to fuel the flame- since it is still burning bright.
Sarah: We laugh together. There are a few movies that always make us laugh, and quotes from tv, movies, and life that will crack us up at any time. It can break the tension in a room, and pull us closer together. Also, have a little signal that both of you know means “I love you.” If my husband squeezes my hand twice, it means he’s thinking about me, and that he loves me. It a show of silent support that says “I’m always here for you.” It has given us strength through arguments, hospital visits, funerals, weddings, long boring meetings, and life in general.
Lauren: Take vacations. We go away together, just the two of us, at least twice a year.
LCW: He surprises me with weekend trips, or cleaning up the house or coffee in bed. It’s the little things for me. He’s great at knowing when I’m starting to get overwhelmed with motherhood, housekeeping and life in general and he’ll step in and take the baby for a little bit and/or surprise me with a weekend away. It’s perfect.
6) What is the best REAL marriage advice you have to offer?
Emily: It’s the easiest & hardest thing you’ll ever do. The best & the worst. You just have to make it through the hard parts remembering & looking forward to more great moments.
Sarah: It is ok to be wrong sometimes, and it’s ok to concede an argument once in a while. If you approach marriage as a battle, that is what it will be. If you approach marriage as a partnership, with give and take, that is what it will be. Marriage is what you make of it, so make it fun!!
Pingback: REAL Marriage Advice: Part One | Medicinal Marzipan