marzipan and the case of the healthy living blog

by Marzipan on May 10, 2010 · 34 comments

I have a confession: I’m having a really hard time feeling like part of the healthy living blogging community. I have another confession: I am prone to dramatic and absurd fears. The problem is: I don’t diet. I eat healthy approximately 65% of the time. The other 35% – ice cream sundaes and french fries. I am not skinny. I’m not really trying to become skinnier, though I do know that I am currently a little above my usual weight, and thus feel slugish and sort of frumpy. All. The. Time. I exercise, but not as much as I probably should. I feel much much better than I do, but I’m a very busy girl and I’m finding it difficult to fit it into my daily schedule.

This week Katy Widrick wrote a great post about cliques forming (or not forming as the case may be) with in the healthy living community. I loved that post. And it’s not even that I feel like there is a clique forming without me, or that I’m left out, it’s that I’m just not sure where I fit within the spectrum of healthy living, because it is possible that my definition of healthy living is different.

Or not? I’m not sure. I believe that healthy diet and exercise are crucial to living a healthy, happy, and well balanced life. It’s just that I’m recovering from a lifetime of being obsessed with the repeated attempts to implement such routines into my life, so that I could lose weight and start the life of my dreams. Then, one day, I woke up and realized how much of my life I was wasting waiting until I was something better. Now: I try to eat healthily, but I don’t drive myself crazy. I try to work out, but only to make myself happier and healthier, and not to melt pounds off my body.

I am not perfect.

I am overweight.

I eat the “wrong” foods – all the time.

I don’t track my workouts, because they are infrequent and often not planned.

These things are true about me.

Last week, during the #fitblog chat, one of the questions was about what gadgets you use to track your workouts, and there was talk of everything from iPhone apps, to garmins, to excel spreadsheets, and it was all I could do to keep the rising anxiety from bubbling over into a full fledged panic attack. All of these awesome girls who I love and admire, USE EXCEL SPREADSHEETS TO DOCUMENT THEIR WORKOUTS?! And all I could think was: I’m a poseur. I don’t deserve to be here. I am not providing a healthy role model. I don’t like to photograph my food, or publically display my weight highs and lows, or work out routines. I’m not a weight loss blog.

When I posted not-so-long ago about What if: I stopped comparing myself to others? I was in part thinking already about my place within the healthy living community, which I don’t find clique-y, but I do notice some similarities between the blogs and bloggers. Often, they are thin, or working to become thin. They eat healthy things like chia seeds for breakfast. They are mostly straight, often married. They are literally phenomenal, and the personal feats that they accomplish often leaves me astonished and clicking previous posts for more information. I want to see their before and after photos. I want them to be my role models.

You see, this exact tailspin of an anxiety attack was a major pattern for me in my disorder eating/thinking/existing days. I used to spend all of my time reading things for inspiration, filling myself up with before and after photos, success stories, and each and every time I would be vowing to myself how much better I was going to be. How much healthier my eating would become. How much harder I would work out.

I am at a weight high right now, and am finding myself heavier than I have been since high school. This is part in due to the fact that I am working really hard to unwind the lifetime of lies and tricks and false promises that supported my false self. I am working to live the life of my dreams NOW without weightloss or bodily perfection. I am working to love myself at this weight – even when I feel out of bounds, scared, slow, and unwieldly. And I tell you: I am terrified. This process is like walking through the fire, because once you tell yourself to trust your own instincts and not restrict there is a period of time where you are like a little kid grabbing at everything sweet and fried that isn’t nailed down. But you just have to keep walking with your head up and your heart in the right place, because if not you have the potential to get burned up by all of your fears, anxieties, and deep seated neurosis.

I am not a perfect girl, and this is not a perfect blog. I am a regular girl, who is happy most of the time, committed to loving herself no matter what, and recording it all here – the good, the bad – as honestly as I am able. This is also what being a Body Image Warrior means to me – persevering to love yourself against all odds, even when it’s really, really difficult, because you want your body/heart/mind to know that you are worth all of the love and trust and support that you can muster. [Does this describe you? Do you want to be a Body Image Warrior? Head on over here, grab yourself a badge, and add your blog to the list!]

What do you think?

I would really love to know, xoxox.

Tagged as: #fitblog, blogging, compulsive eating, healthy living, inspiration, what if, why i blog

http://www.skinnyhollie.com Hollie

Mara, I LOVE your blog. I love your blog because YOU are setting such a positive example for me right now. For the first time (ever?) I feel like I can love and be loved no matter what my size. I don’t really feel like a failure anymore because I don’t eat chia seeds for breakfast and get it right all the time. Like you, I struggle. I probably won’t ever fit in or be the “ideal” weight loss blogger because I am not actually losing weight, lol.

When I started my blog, I wanted a journal. I didn’t know about “followers” and didn’t know that I could actually get support and encouragement along the way. I love that part. I appreciate it. Sometimes I find myself thinking about how I am letting the people who follow me down by being such a failure.

But at the end of the day, I am only failing myself. I am what is important.

Please – keep writing because people like me need someone to identify with, too. My food isn’t pretty and I only take pictures of it when I am compelled too. I struggle with weight loss and with loving me for who I am. Mara, YOU show me that the love part needs to come first. I thank you for that!
.-= Hollie´s last blog ..Peaceful… =-.
http://voiceinrecovery.wordpress.com/ Kendra (Voice in Recovery)

I LOVE you and LOVE your blog. I struggle with a lot of the same fears in the ED recovery world. I skips meals sometimes, I dont always eat healthy, I LOVE candy, and have worked out twice in MONTHS. I think we have to realize we are busy, we have good intentions, and sometimes we need a gentle reminder to be nice to ourselves, and not put too much pressure on ourselves. Being authentic is so important, and you through this blog and on Twitter are ALWAYS honest. You always share your struggles, fears, and you are always supportive of others. Perhaps you need a “buddy” to get healthy if that is your intention. I know I am going to start going to pilates, and actually walk the walk I so desperately want to talk the talk. But for me, as with you I often get overwhelmed in the daily life. Together, maybe we can find a new journey of balance, health, and self acceptance in ALL areas. hugs
.-= Kendra (Voice in Recovery)´s last blog ..Finding My Body in Pilates =-.
http://hundredtenpounds.wordpress.com/ Lisa

This is a great post! You bring up some excellent points and I think a lot of people can relate to you. I’m new to the blogging world and I also feel left out most of the time. There’s definitely a “clique-y”
feeling to the community (I think that happens in every community though). I also criticized myself because I didn’t eat parsnip fries, pumpkin in my oatmeal, or eat almond butter out of the jar.

Then I told myself to stop comparing myself to these other people. Who cares if my blog is different? Isn’t originality the point? I’m not a vegetarian–I eat A LOT of meat. Why? I work out a lot and my body craves it.

We are all different and we all have something to bring to the table. Keep doing what you’re doing!!
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Pesto Delish Dish =-.
auspish32

Mizz Marzipan!

When I read your posts, I feel as if my thoughts and insecurities have been mirrored. You don’t excuse binges, or categorize them as bad, but the accountability factor that you express in your writing is both inspiring and encouraging. It really has made such a difference just the past week that I started reading your blog, the knowing that there is someone who shares in the same struggles as I do. After reading your postings, I wore a pair of skinny pants and a dress in the same week. I usually have to give myself a pep talk before wearing something besides my typical self loathing generic uniform. Last week I allowed myself to feel pretty. As far as not feeling as if you fit in with other blogs..pish posh! Soul health has to come first before you make any other changes, otherwise you are just going through the motions and destined to repeat the cycle. Stay awesome. Thank you.
http://www.justjaytomboy.com/ Jessica @ Healthy Obsessions

I understand where you are coming from completely. I feel like since I do not run half or full marathons, vegetable and fruits are not a staple in ALL of my meals, and I do not work as a fitness instructor or dietician, I can not call myself a healthy living blogger.

However, I feel that there is a need for a voice out there in the blog-o-sphere for people who are in transition or who are going through the ups and downs. Who are trying to achieve a healthy life (by their definition and not by the definition of the more popular blogs)!

As a Midwest girl, I cannot run 365 days a year. Working a 8-5, I do not and will not get up in the morning to get a work out in. I like beer and pizza and burgers and french fries.

Sometimes, I feel shameful to have to post that I ate a bacon cheeseburger for dinner if I thought that other healthy living bloggers out there are going to shun me and not read my blog. But then I think, this is my blog, this is my life, and it’s not like i’m eating a cheeseburger at every meal.

So I would like to invite you join me in the Healthy Living Blogger Underdog category that I just created! Together, we can stand up and say “We eat meat!”

LOl Just kidding, but I wanted to let you know that there is another person out there who is thinking the same thing.
.-= Jessica @ Healthy Obsessions´s last blog ..First Official Dinner =-.
thenextmartha

One of my problems with dieting and self image is that I am awesome. You see I have this sense of just being so awesome that it doesn’t even dawn on me when I have to put on the next size jeans. Mowing the lawn is my exercise. Baked goods are my meals. Could I stand to lose some weight? Yep, but it’s hard to tell the awesome head that.
http://certifiablyfit.blogspot.com/ CertifiablyFit

This was a great post. Honestly, what I love most about your blog is that you are not so super obsessed with your weight and exercise program. I took a look at your body image warrior’s link and I love what you are promoting there. It is a lot of what I want to instill in my own readers. So I added my link and posted the badge on my page.

Keep being you, because honestly that’s all I ever expect people to do on their blogs.
.-= CertifiablyFit´s last blog ..Hi My Name is Erica and I’m a Recovering Food Addict. =-.
bon

please do not start charting your work-outs on an excel sheet. I have always been thankful to be able to look to you and not feel badly for not working out every day and sometimes falling off the healthy eating bandwagon. Even as a “skinny girl” I struggle with those guilts and love your blog (and you) for helping me with those issues. Thank you.
http://www.halfofjess.com Jess

Like I just tweeted you, you can’t eat “wrong” foods. No such thing. You are a healthy living blogger because you blog about body image and acceptance. Of yourself. Of who you are. What you aim to be. And where you want to go (in life). That’s what healthy living is about.

I’m not aiming to get skinny any more. I’m aiming to get healthy. For me, healthy means being fit and able to run and cross train (my beliefs stem to how cavemen survived back in the day) but I don’t eat a caveman diet. I eat what I want, and most of the time, it’s definitely not flax/chia seeds or even oatmeal. Really, I’ll take pasta any day. White too.

I think a lot of it comes with finding balance. In both working out, social life, working life, eating. There’s no one right way. There’s only the right way that works for YOU.

And that’s why you’re a healthy living blogger. Because you’re trying to find that right way for you.

Chin up, Marzipan!
.-= Jess´s last blog ..Weigh-in #14 =-.
http://erica-sara.blogspot.com Erica Sara

The reason I love your blog is because you are real. I think many of us face the same issues you do but perhaps may not write about them as openly. I, for one, struggle with many of the same issues. I’ve recently gained weight and don’t feel quite comfortable in my own skin. I’m not married- I’m in the middle of a divorce- something I find hard to admit at the young age of 32. I eat a lot of healthy foods and blog about them, but I also enjoy a good hunk of chocolate, a piece of cake or a greasy slice of pizza and sometimes blog about them as well.
For me, healthy living is about being in a good place and being happy with yourself and I think we are all on a journey with that as a goal, but have different experiences on different days.
So keep on doing what you’re doing & being who you are. You represent a really healthy outlook & lifestyle for plenty of young women out there. Those folks who only promote “perfection” create pretty high standards that most women can’t meet- how can that be healthy?

Much respect & lots of love!
.-= Erica Sara´s last blog ..Getting Back My Mojo =-.
Daisy

You are such a perfect expression of divine intuition unfolding, and you give me this constant reminder about how I don’t need to be grasping in life for evidence of my love and efforts I just need to continue to take actions that are in alignment with who I am. You rock!!! Daisy
http://sugarfreefatgirl.blogspot.com Ms. Lala

You know I totally love your blog but I understand where you are coming from. It’s almost like you feel like an impostor because you’re not doing the same things that everyone in the community is doing. I feel the same because I’m not counting calories and I’m not participating in 5ks and I’m not eating healthy 100% of the time. Things is that with your blog you ARE part of the healthy community but you’re just approaching it from a different perspective. You’re helping people to accept themselves and posting about several issues that we all deal with but maybe we’re afraid to speak about or don’t think anyone else is dealing with the same thing. You’re posting about having a healthy body image which I think is so important to have on your pursuit of a healthy body. I love coming over and playing in your little corner of the internet and I think you’re doing a fabulous job.
.-= Ms. Lala´s last blog ..Living and letting go of The Fear =-.
http://www.beautifulyoubyjulie.com Julie

I love this post – so real and incredibly relatable. Glad I have recently found you and look forward to reading so much more.
http://appilogue.blogspot.com Jenelle

I think that a lot of this post sums up why I don’t really keep up with my blog consistently. Fitness bloggers are intimidatingly perfect at times, and I’m just not. Though I applaud those who can healthily track and chart all their progress, I find this sort of documentation to be stressful/consuming. Frankly, I think it’s a good thing you’re not keeping spreadsheets to monitor your workouts. It means you are working out because it FEELS GOOD and isn’t that what health is all about? It’s not about BMI or calories, it’s about doing the best we can do with what we’ve got and feeling good about it. For some people they need to see numbers and figures, for others it’s just the satisfaction of simply moving your body and focusing inward.

No one is perfect, and I feel that though some bloggers may appear to be it’s only because there is an ability to edit our day-to-day experiences to reflect what we want the community to see. Keep doing what you’re doing and spreading the message you’re spreading. I know your blog in particular has helped me on my journey toward healthy living (both inside and out).
.-= Jenelle´s last blog ..Thoughts on Living Large & Feeling Small =-.
http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

You guys are just breaking my heart into ten trillion little pieces – and I LIKE it. Thank you for all of your words of love and support, you are actually blowing me away right now. I love this blog with my whole heart, and appreciate however awkwardly it fits into the scheme of things. But, this post was definitely not about my wanting to stop writing! It was more about carving myself a place that uniquely fit, so that I was writing as honestly as possible. Thank you for loving Medicinal Marzipan, and thank you for coming back time and time again and letting me know what you think and what you’re up to. It means more than you know.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
M
http://www.thehealthyapple.com The Healthy Apple

This is an amazing post, honestly…thank you for posting this…you are a fabulous writer and blogger and no one is perfect…keep up the great work and keep your head up high! Have a fabulous day and thank you again for this inspirational post as I am forwarding this on to all of my clients right now to inspire them, as well!
http://www.steffsays.com steff (steffsays)

your honestly and sincerity is so beautiful and refreshing. you know that you are on a journey and your goal is being your best self…not someone else. this is incredibly admirable. having goals but being comfortable at any point in your journey towards those is soooo difficult, and you are inspirational. thank you.
http://www.threepugsandababy.com Jennifer @ three pugs & a baby

Can I just say, I used to do all that. I would track caloric intake in excel and create charts to compare from day to day, week to week and month to month.

I stopped. Because I don’t have time.

I am reasonably healthy because I want to be. I feel good when I work out, and so I do it. However I eat my share of junk, because I love it.

Do what makes you feel good and let the chips (preferably Ruffles with a side of dip) fall where they may.
.-= Jennifer @ three pugs & a baby´s last blog ..{ some 29 years ago… } =-.
http://rubysu87.blogspot.com/ CDG

Mara, I wasn’t kidding when I said your blog was helping me solidify my thoughts. I actually posted about body image and health and love last night.

Before I posted about my dogs

Many thanks to you. You’re brilliant.
.-= CDG´s last blog ..Dog Beds: My Own Personal Brand of Insanity, Part II =-.
http://throwawayliterature.com Amelia Jane

Healthy living is living a life which makes you happy! Working out your issues with food and exercise in order to be happier is being a healthy role model, especially when that’s opposed to neurotically tracking calories and stats and measurements (not that I’m saying that everyone who does that is neurotic, but it’s better than doing it, neurotically).
If more people were more open about the ‘perfect’ they’re not being, then I believe more people would be a whole lot calmer about the size they are, happier with the food they do or don’t eat and the run they may or may not take.
I, for one, am trying to put weight on, but I don’t make time to eat properly and all I do is walk everywhere, and cycle occasionally. Sometimes I stress myself out over the damage I’m doing to myself, but most of the time I relax and do what makes me happy – which often involves taking the time out to whip up a phat and tasty stew and eating hobnobs dipped in chocolate.
I think your blog and this post are incredibly inspiring. You are perfectly you, and nobody else (because it always is the opinions we believe other people have which influence what we believe ‘perfect’ is) can tell you, or anyone who is not them, how they ‘should’ be. You’ve touched so many people with this post, and given permission to not strive for ‘perfection’ but for happiness and self-love.
xx
.-= Amelia Jane´s last blog ..ALL OR NOTHING =-.
http://www.honormyhealth.com Christie {Honoring Health}

I have a lot to say about this post but I want to start by saying that you are freakin’ rockin’ awesome amazing and by far one of my favorite bloggers.

I also want to say that being yourself and being authentic takes a lot more guts than some people have and you should be proud that. Unapologetically you, it is why I read your blog and how I write my own.

And lastly, we each have our own version of what healthy is but I will tell you, a spreadsheet that tracks my workouts takes me back to a time where I was far from healthy. I was miserable and my relationship with food sucked ass. I used exercise as a punishment or and ate as a reward for exercising and tracked it all in a neat and tidy spreadsheet. Not my idea of healthy.

Exercising with joy and embracing the humor need for delicious food, that is the definition of healthy to me.

I don’t fit in either but you my dear blogging friend will always be at the top of my “healthiest people” list. Health goes far beyond what we can see by reading or a blog or by the number of miles that one can run.
.-= Christie {Honoring Health}´s last blog ..Lessons: The Log and The Shore =-.
http://fancypantalons.blogspot.com Elyssa

I don’t know how I stumbled on your blog tonight, but I’m completely smitten (by this post especially) and can’t wait to read more.

I’m struggling with my blogging voice at the moment, too. I don’t like that I hesitate to post about bumps in the road for fear of my blog becoming too depressing. I also don’t want to make too much of successes in case, when looking at those posts later, I am disappointed in myself for taking a step back. Oy. I think all we can ever do is convey our experiences honestly and candidly, and you’re doing just that. Thank you.

Wondering if you might weigh in on something I’ve been struggling with lately. Is it possible to love yourself unconditionally while simultaneously wanting to change/improve it? I am trying to embrace myself wholly (i.e. love my body, through and through) but I want to lose weight because it will give me more energy, etc. Somehow these two desires keep tripping each other up.

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

Hey Elyssa! Welcome to MM, I’m glad you like it here. I certainly want to weigh in on that debate because I know it alllll too well. I honestly believe that loving yourself unconditionally is the only way to change or improve your body permanently. Here on this site, I don’t advertise losing weight or becoming more fit as ways to love your body, because I want to promote the idea of loving your body regardless of your size. That said, there are many times in our lives where we are not at our ideal weight (the weight our bodies would naturally gravitate too if our lifestyles were free of disordered/compulsive/emotional eating), or are leading an unusually sedentary lifestyle, and thus we need to implement either healthy eating or fitness into our daily lives in order to feel our best. If this is something that you feel you need to do, I recommend really loving and being sweet to yourself during this process. Take is slow, don’t punish yourself for making mistakes, and approach these changes as something you want to do because your body needs them to feel good. These desires don’t have to work against one another, and they can occur side by side if you keep principles of self love and respect for your body at the front of your mind, instead of feeling like you have to lose weight in order to be: good, successful, perfect, happy etc. etc. etc.
Does that help?
Thanks for reading.
xoxo
m

http://fancypantalons.blogspot.com Elyssa

Wonderful. Wow! Thank you so much for that. I think you’re absolutely right about making my focus all about self-love.

I’m starting to wonder if perhaps my hang-up is with the idea of change (or the necessity of change, in the case of wanting my body to be less heavy). For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt like I’m in transition, a project not quite finished. My goals weren’t realistic, of course, as you’ve outlined (e.g. being “good, successful, perfect, happy”). I find it difficult to be mindful, to exist in the present moment because I always feel like I need to be making some kind of progress. And when I try to ignore that feeling, I find ways to escape (via compulsive eating and the like). Change has become a dirty word for me: buying into the need for change, for me, seems to mean buying into dissatisfaction with wherever I happy to be at.

A new plan: instead of focusing on change, I’m going to listen to my body, not my mind (as best as I’m able). Do whatever my body tells me to do, and if that leads to weight loss or weight gain or whatever…as long as I’m listening and acting from a place of love, I don’t think I can go wrong.

Thanks again for your response and for helping me work through these issues!
.-= Elyssa´s last blog ..on danse =-.

http://www.verynearlyvegan.com Karena

I loved this post — it really made me think about where I want to go with my blog, and what message I want to put out there for people to read. I, too, don’t quite have a niche in the blogging world.

I think perchance there are more of us inbetweeners in the healthy living blogosphere than is obvious at first glance.

And, in my opinion, being a body image blogger might just be the epitome of being a healthy living blogger!
.-= Karena´s last blog ..is this normal? =-.
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http://labirdsnest.com Ashley

Admitting your faults and weaknesses is very brave and a way toward living a healthy life. What a great post! This is why I gave you the Happy 101 award today. Congrats! Check out my blog if you get a chance! Keep on bloggin’ and loving yourself .
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..And The Oscar Goes To…. =-.
http://www.lovehealthyliving.net Carrie (Love Healthy Living)

I love that you are different from other food/health bloggers but I understand your feelings about not fitting in. I’m not a runner (hate it!) so I feel left out in that aspect. I think it’s good to remember that the best communities are those made up of diversity and you and I represent that. Keep doing what you’re doing!
.-= Carrie (Love Healthy Living)´s last blog ..Book Review – Master Your Metabolism =-.
http://www.senseitalks.com Eunice

Great post! I was directed here from the link you posted on the #fitblog chat. As a reader of many, many blogs, I can relate to what you are feeling. It’s hard to not compare yourself to these people who you admire and, to some extent, strive to be like. I think the message of loving your body, no matter what size, is SO important. And so difficult! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being honest.
http://s.rvxn.org sui solitaire

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

that’s all I really have to say. I love you!
.-= sui solitaire´s last blog ..unmissable writing that might change your life =-.
http://www.sweetsensitivity.blogspot.com saxifrage

Hello! I happened to stumble upon your blog, and I just have to say thank you. I love open-hearted honesty… it’s such a beautiful, powerful thing. I struggled for years with body image and I still fall into my self-hating and self-doubting ruts; I think for those of us who have been to the depths, learning to truly love and embrace yourself is a lifelong journey… or at least, it’s a long one! So I commend you. Just keep loving yourself, where you’re at. Because it’s all about being at peace with the skin you’re in, right?

p.s. I’m a brand new blogger and totally excited to connect with and meet new people on here, so anyone who’s interested, please stop by!
(www.sweetsensitivity.blogspot.com)
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http://zoeandthebeatles.wordpress.com zoe (and the beatles)

discovering this a year down the road and realizing this is why i love you and your blog so much:

This process is like walking through the fire, because once you tell yourself to trust your own instincts and not restrict there is a period of time where you are like a little kid grabbing at everything sweet and fried that isn’t nailed down. But you just have to keep walking with your head up and your heart in the right place, because if not you have the potential to get burned up by all of your fears, anxieties, and deep seated neurosis.

thank you. you make me believe everything will eventually be okay.