how to have “fat”/phat sex

I’m not a big fan of using quotation marks excessively, but as I’ve been thinking about this post all day, several thought have occured to me. I meant this to be a post geared towards women who fall outside of the increasingly small sociocultural window of acceptable body weight. I was thinking of girls who ask for the light to be turned out so their cellulite isn’t spotted and abhorred. I was thinking of girls like myself. However, one of the main objectives of this blog is learning to love your body REGARDLESS of your size, and the reality is that the fat I’m referring to now, as always, is in the eye of the beholder. Perceiving yourself as fat is just as difficult, whether you are legitimately fat or not. And while women who are legitimately fat may roll their eyes when a thin woman is lamenting the size of her thighs (and we are all guilty), her struggle is no less real than ours. The fat I’m talking about here is the state of mind that keeps you from feeling comfortable in your skin, and that discomfort keeps you from enjoying the act of having sex or distracts you from it. Have you ever felt that way? Then this one’s for you…

1. You are worthy of sexual satisfaction. This is a fact, regarless of your size, your previous sexual experience or lack thereof, or the length of time that has passed since you last felt sexy. This fact is something that you may need (constant) reminding of. Tell yourself a million times a day if you have to. C laughs at me when I say that I think that sexual satisfaction is a basic human right, but I believe that it is. When you allow shame and fear to run/ruin your fantasies, and when you refuse to permit yourself to dream, you are doing yourself a great disservice. You are not too fat to have sex. You are worthy. You are sexy. You just need to start believing it.

2. Figure out what makes you hot, and learn how to say it out loud. Do your research. Have you always wished secretly someone would tie you down/roleplay scenes of smut and grit/dress you up/rip your clothing off? The list could go on and on. Read sex books, erotica, do some Internet research, or watch some feminist (or not) porn. Say the words out loud. Practice them in front of the mirror, get used to the power and confidence that your newfound sexual vocabulary has allotted you. Building a group of word that make you feel comfortable and turned on is key to a satisfactory sex life. Learning how to ask for what you want out loud, not only betters your chance of actually receiving it, but it also is a comfort and turn on to you partner. Promise. The more comfortable you can become with yourself as a sexual being with needs, the more confident and anxiety-free your interactions with future partners will be.

3. Remember that this is supposed to be FUN. Whether you are worried about sounding stupid or your partner laughing at you, you are holding yourself back. Sex can be messy, emotional, silly, embarrassing, intimate, and casual. It can often be many of those things at once. Do not hold yourself back because you are stewing in the fear of what could possibly happen. It probably will. At some point, at which time you can either a) have a panic attack and vow never to have sex again or b) dissolve into a fit of giggling and keep in mind that these things happen – to EVERYONE.

4. Practice makes perfect. Now, I am not encouraging you to go out an bang anything and everything that isn’t nailed down, unless that’s your thing, in which case go right on ahead. I am encouraging you to permit yourself to exist as a sexual being out in th real world – flirt with your mechanic, wear a provacative piece of clothing (underwear beneath a normal same oufit if you’d rather), take home that person you’ve been making eye contact with at the bar – for the past year and a half, write a smutty story and publish it online. Masturbate. Figuring out how you like to be touched will both prepare you to instruct others, and also excite you for what is to come. If you want to wait until you are married or in a serious relationship to have sex, wonderful. Flirt your ass off and make no apologies for being a tease – you are worth waiting for.

5. Have sex with the lights on. This is important so I will repeat it – have sex with the lights on. I know it can be scary, even if you are having solo sex to witness your body sexually in full view, but how will you truly learn to believe in your own body and sexual worth if you are hiding your body in the dark? If someone has chosen to go home with you or share your bed, you better believe – no matter how scary – that they are well aware of who they are taking to bed. Guarenteed they already have a pretty good idea of what you’re going to look like naked. Often I think that we delude ourselves into believing that we’ve tricked someone into sleeping with use with a strategically coordinated outfit or pushup bra. Have some faith in you and your body! You haven’t tricked anyone. More likely, they have found their way to your bed because they find you sexy! I do not care if you have cellulite or if you breasts sag to your belly button when you remove your bra or if your body is riddled with stretchmarks. Your body reveals your experiences as a human being moving about the world. Maybe you had a baby and your stomach was never quite the same. Maybe you lost a lot of weight and have saggy skin. Maybe you were a self mutilator and your skin beneath your clothing is a roadmap of scars and pain. Those are all things that make you unique, and learning to love the not-so-perfect aspects of your body that you dress everyday to forget. Coming to terms with these aspects of ourselves will allow us to be more and more sexual confident and experience heightened levels of sexual satisfaction. So, put your hang ups on the back burner and enjoy yourself!

6. Stay present. It used to be that in order to allow myself to be naked in a room with someone else I had to completely disassociate myself from the experience and go somewhere else in my brain. This was due, in part, to my inability to choose appropriate sexual partners that were trustworthy and kind, partners who would love me and respect my body. This is not advisable and should be avoided if possible. However, once you learn this little trick it is hard to unlearn them even when you find yourself in loving arms. This is also not advisable. Train yourself to staying present when you are sexually active. Allowing your brain to digress from your physical space when you are being intimate puts up walls between you and your partner, and keeps you from being comfortable with your body sexually. It is very easy to do when you are nervous and uneasy, but an easy way to bring yourself back is to open your eyes, bringing your intent and purpose back to your hands and lips, and paying particular attention to the way that things feel.

I hope that helps. And I hope you have fun practicing these tips… And let me know if you have any questions. Xo.

Tagged as: fat, men, queer, relationships, sex, sex positive culture, women