on body image, sex, and relationships

Learning to stop using sex as a ruler against which your relationship is constantly measured.

When thinking about body image, for me one of the most pressing issues is the way in which my body image and confidence are directly correlated to my sexual identity and satisfaction. As I’ve disclosed on this blog several times, swine flu left holes in my relationship, learning to have sexual confidence, big love, while-you-were-sleeping, as well as on my bio page, I’ve had a complicated sexual history, wrought with trauma, bliss, confusion, and ultimately with me learning the hard lesson of trusting and loving myself in order to stop making such terrible sexual choices. I was reckless because I sought validation from every outlet available to me, like a chubby awkward fourteen year old in draw string cargo pants and an uncomfortably low cut shirt with straightened curls and hopeful makeup looking around everywhere for someone to love her.

I didn’t find someone to love me during that time. I found boys who had real girlfriends that they paraded around but emailed me in secret, boys who wanted to grope me in closets, girls who would tire of my incessant self doubt and trade me in for someone else but continue to sleep with me in secret, boys who pressured me to give more than I had to offer, and most of all, I had secrets. What I wanted, best and most of all, was someone who would hold my hand in the sunlit quad. Someone who would proudly proclaim their love for me in public, tell their friends, bring me home to meet their parents. I wanted to be treasured and adored. I wanted to be special to someone.

Since then, I have been special and not special to many people in equal measure. I: went through a period of self imposed celibacy to get my shit together, then suddenly decided to have sex with my gay boyfriend (problematic), fell in love (several times), went through a period of brilliant self esteem where I smooched everyone I could get my hands on and became very daring, and then fell in love, ultimately, with C, with whom I have the most wonderful and sparkly life.

One would think that everything was perfect, right? I found someone who loves me, holds my hand, takes me on dates, introduces me to her family, and adores me unendingly. But – if I have gotten everything I’ve ever wanted, why do I still feel inadequate?

When you are a person who learned, during your formative years or later, to receive the majority of your external validation through your repeated performance as a sexual object, those feelings and brain patterns DO NOT just magically recede into the abyss of your brain when you fall in love. As a matter of fact, I have found that if those detrimental patterns do exist in your sexual history, falling in love and becoming truly intimate with someone (perhaps for the first time ever) will do little more than exacerbate your deepest fears and feelings of inadequacy. It is THIS that still catches up to me after all this time. And it is this that forces me to dissolve into a puddle at the hint of an argument, misunderstanding, or honey I’m so tired.

Now, if my brain functioned normally I would laugh and think to myself thank god, I am exhausted and since we really have the rest of time, there’s no rush… Instead of: FUCK. What did I do?! I’m ugly. Am I ugly? Does she think I’m fat? Is she bored? Does she not want to be my girlfriend anymore? Are we falling out of love? I’m not good enough for her anyway. Am I not worthy of her continued love? Which, as you can imagine, is not the sexiest of emotional patterns, even when I have the conversation completely in my head (rare), I’m sure that my face gives me away, every time. The problem with using sex as a way to validate your self worth, and ultimately the success of your relationship, is that it is not going to work for you in the long run. Relationships ebb and flow, and if you are with someone long enough, you are going to have periods where you have tons of sex and periods where you feel like doing anything but. It is important to remind yourself that this does not reflect on you as a person and while, in some cases it may be a symptom of a relationship that’s run its course, if you are with someone that you truly love and trust, you are safe. The facts are: You are more than the sum of your parts. You are more than just a sex object, regardless of how you felt in the past. Sex is not the reason why your significant other fell in love with you. You have more to offer.

Because everyone needs a reminder every now and again..

xxo

Tagged as: body image, relationships, self esteem, sex

Lanei

Very true indeed.
Also, I found, the more you focus on it, the more of a BIG DEAL it is and so the more forced and fake interaction feels, which is exactly what you don’t want!

Also it seems women take rejection much more personally than men. I do stand up comedy and I’ve notice that when women have a bad night, they tend to blame their material and their delivery, were as the guys will blame the ‘crap audience’. I’ve know many women to stop performing due to this self criticism.

Also women are often socialised to be sexually receptive rather than initiatory, and it’s presumed if a woman initiates sexual contact she will successful unless there is actually something wrong with her, but this is a presumption based on a heterocentric model of man’s sex drive > woman’s sexdrive (whereas there is quite an expectation of rejection for men in society – to the point it’s regarded as a game/challenge – can I pull the hot chick?). This model especially breaks down in the case of same sex partnerships.

Hmm.. you’ve got me all pondery now, but yes, fundamentally sex isn’t the be all and end all, and it’s ok just not to be in the mood for periods of time, just make sure the love and respect are still there. Often a person’s lack of desire is much more about them, than about you.

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

so true. i’ve often found that its not me at all, even though my entire brain begins spinning out of control upon the mere mention of rejection. and it’s crazy because i know that i’m loved, but it’s just that gut feeling of unworthiness that is my go-to emotion after years and years of complicated sexual history.

http://sexgenderbody.com sexgenderbody

As I’ve gotten older (and I am older), I have discovered a few things about the value of sex in a relationship and my process of identity.

I used to think that sex was a big part of my value and identity. My sexual orientation, my endurance, my eagerness, my knowledge, my attention…blah, blah, blah. What an egotistical child I really was. It was all about me and usually was me trying to exorcise some hobgoblin of my mind like self-doubt, fear or intimacy caused anxiety.

Eventually, I found that who I am, what I am worth and what I fear all exist completely independently of how I fuck, who I fuck and how well or how often I fuck.

This freed me up to just let myself be with sex and my partner in whatever way I choose.

I also discovered that I really don’t know what’s going on for other people. Their anxieties, joys, motives or desires – at least not from any of my bright ideas. The way I discover that information is to ask. And now that I don’t spend so much time talking to myself about myself, I find that I have the ability to hear what my lover wants or feels or whatever is communicated to me.

Thanks for this post.

-arvan

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com admin

thanks arvan.. good to know that things will be looking up and i perhaps have a future without brain hobgoblins sabotaging even my best efforts.
thanks for coming by.
xoxo.

http://movingforwardfromed.blogspot.com/ Heather

This is a really great post that gets to the heart of what is, for me at least, a very sensitive and emotionally-wrought issue.

Having gone through similar things to yourself in my teens and early twenties, I thought I’d escaped relatively unscathed. Much of the time I’d convinced myself that I was in control. For a time, I revelled in my reputation as being Samantha-like (of SATC fame).

In reality, I was either drunk on alcohol or in a place emotionally where I was desperate for love. Some situations were pretty damn terrible, looking back, and whilst I appreciate how experiences make us who we are today, am pretty sure I’d have done some things differently, knowing what I now know.

It DOES go on to affect how I feel about myself, sex and my relationship today. I’m in a steady, loving, long-term relationship with a man who means the world to me. And I am, at times, wrought with anxiety about not being good enough for him. I worry that when we aren’t having sex all the time, it could mean he doesn’t want me – he’s “found me out” as not enough. It’s ridiculous because I know – absolutely – in my logical head and heart that he loves me. I know that there are times when he’s tired, stressed or just wants to relax in front of the TV. There are times I feel like that, and yet I wonder then what’s wrong with me and will push myself to have sex when I’m shattered!

Reading your article was a real reminder that I’m not the only person who feels like this sometimes, and that it’s normal not to be superwoman all the time!
Heather recently posted..The meaning of loving myself

http://www.medicinalmarzipan.com marzipan

Oh Heather, as I was reading this, I was just nodding along.. yep, yep, yep. I also (heartbreaking) but totally understand the feeling of being “found out” for not being good enough! You are absolutely not the only person that feels like this so please don’t feel alone. No one is superwoman allll the time thanks for your comment!

http://movingforwardfromed.blogspot.com/ Heather

Thank you for your lovely reply. I shall look forward to reading more of your wonderful writings on this blog x
Heather recently posted..The meaning of loving myself