ask marzipan: life after a long-term relationship

dear dear medicinal marzipan,
i have just come out of a long-term relationship, don’t know the first thing about dating and find myself reverting quickly to cat ladydom. how do you meet new people who you know are into you and emotionally accessible and trustworthy and won’t hurt you and will understand you???? i’d also like to know how to be good in bed. also, if you go on a date with somebody but decide you’re not interested but you actually do want to be friends, do you have to tell that person you’re not interested??

Dearest friend,

Break-ups are so hard!! I feel like more than ever this week I’ve been phone-chatting with friends who are in the exact same position and wondering what to do next, and since I have unfortunately been through my fair share of break-ups, I more than sympathize with your position. But you are so brave and wonderful for wanting to get back out there and start meeting people!

For me, the absolute most beneficial thing I can do for myself after getting out of a relationship and wondering what next is to sit down with myself and really (as objectively as possible) think about the partnerships that haven’t worked out. I’m a lister, so I really like to make a list of the qualities that all of my previous partners had that were good and worked for me, as well as those that I’m really looking for in someone else. I used to write mean lists about the negative qualities to make myself feel better, but I really think that its better to focus on the positive when manifesting new people to meet who are sexy, emotionally accessible, and trustworthy (amongst other qualities desirable qualities). I often use this list to very clearly focus on the energy and traits that I want to bring into my life.

After you’ve done that, really the only next step is to go out and meet people! I know that this is easier said than done, as I am often quite shy, but I firmly believe that you can meet amazing people anywhere. Be brave and extend yourself, and give people the benefit of the doubt because sometimes the best match is hidden.

Also, you are not bad in bed. That is ludicrous. One of the exciting things about meeting new people after having been in a relationship for a long time is the ability to exercise desires and sexual fantasies that may not have been your previous partner’s cup of tea. Often it’s hard to sleep with someone after having been with one person for a long time, and I would say that this is really not something that you should rush if you aren’t ready. That said, sometimes a rebound fling with someone who is purely fun and whimsical can seem liberating and can serve to remind you that you do not need to revert to cat ladydom because you are sexy and smart and ambitious and many many many many people are going to want to date you and sleep with you and bring you flowers throughout the course of your life.

And finally, after going on a date that didn’t work out with someone that you actually do want to be friends, you do need to fess up. It may be hard, but then again, being a lady in hot demand this is very good practice for you! Some of the best friendships start with awkward and awful first dates, but if you are genuinely interested in pursuing friendship with this person, its important to base that friendship in honesty.

Good luck!!! xox.

If you have a question that you’d like me to answer in this column, email me at medicinalmarzipan @ gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you.