swagger like us and the negativity receptor: the art of faking confidence part II

The problem with self confidence is that even when you spend the majority of your day boosting it, thinking closely about those moments which cause you undue stress or emotional pain, and working to re-pattern your brain, there are some moments which just suck you directly down to your most fearful small child i’m-scared-and-deep-and-i-can’t-get-free place. Sometimes even when you are going about your day thinking to yourself, I feel so fucking fantastic today nothing can stop me, all of the sudden it will be like BAM, and unbeknownst to yourself you’ve walked directly into a cement wall of shame and loathing after tripping over some small trigger that you didn’t even know you reacted to anymore.

There was an article in Oprah’s magazine, O, in August entitled “Women and The Negativity Receptor“, and while I will never never admit to picking up this magazine after this moment in time, I will say that when I did, and in my defense it was in a doctor’s office where there was nothing else, I was pleasantly surprised by what I found within its pages.  This article is about how due to hormonal surges in the brain, women are more sensitive to rejection and disapproval than men. And while I am ordinarily so not a fan of these types of women’s brains work differently than men’s that’s why we’re so weepy explanations, I did find this article interesting.  The article quotes neuroscientist Michael M. Merzenich, PhD, in stating:

“The brain is not like a computer that has fixed wiring and connections,” says Merzenich. “Every aspect of you is created by the brain revising itself in response to your interactions in the world—and I mean everything. How you define yourself—the person you are—is a product of plastic changes in your brain. That includes things that relate to your attitude and your emotional construct. What you are is a result of how your brain has tried to create a model of the world, and the brain is plastic until you die.”

Transforming negative thinking doesn’t occur instantly. “People can’t just change their attitude on a dime,” says Merzenich. “You’re going against all that weight of experience. Thousands of historic moments have led to that bad attitude—every time you’ve thought about yourself in a defeatist or inferior position. That’s deeply embedded, and it takes a substantial effort over a substantial time to drive the brain in a new direction.” But you (and I, and anyone) can make profound, fundamental changes in how the brain operates. It’s not that different from doing Pilates or taking a spinning class to change your physical self. In fact, Merzenich cofounded a company called Posit Science that produces technical “brain games” as training exercises for that highly plastic part of us. We know that we can enhance memory; now, remarkably, it seems that we can improve outlook.

I have long loved the idea of being able to re-pattern my brain, spending much time working diligently to notice what hurts and what doesn’t, and hoping that in my self awareness I will be able to overcome the most deeply ingrained feelings of inadequacy and fear that I have clung to for as long as I can remember. For that reason, I found this article inspirational.  I am willing to take the word of trained professionals on issues of my hormones and brain function, and it just seems to make sense that men and women react differently to criticism and disapproval. Though I know many incredibly sensitive men, I also can acknowledge the fact that we live in a world where the popular culture more than celebrates the idea of the male super-ego.

And while I did appreciate this article and its insight into my little personal body image drama, when it comes to faking confidence, I find more comfort in the exaggerated male super-ego than in any of the articles in any women’s magazine.  I acknowledge all of the feminist-y issues with loving, and I do mean loving, rap and hip hop, and all of the ways in which women are degraded in the lyrics and all inherent violence against women, BUT, as a woman, I find the unbelievable ego of these some male artists to be far more inspirational than any women’s stitch-and-bitch lovefest. Do not get me wrong. I love nothing more than stitching and bitching, but there is just something about the intensity of the lyrics and self possession that makes my stomach tighten and a new feeling of strength to run up my spine, as if every light in the room has suddenly turned on and I am standing up a little straighter. My favorite example of this is in Lil Wayne’s song “Phone Home”:

They don’t make ‘em like me no more

Matter fact, they never made it like me before

I’m rare like Mr. Clean with hair

No brake lights on my career

I never had life and I never had fear

I rap like I done died and goin’ to heaven, I swear

And yeah I’m a bear, like black and white hair

So I’m polar

And they can’t get on my system ’cause my system is the solar

I am so far from the o-ders, I mean others

I could eat them for supper

Get in my spaceship and hover.

No wonder men are feeling better about themselves than women. These lyrics represent and unbelievable amount of conviction in self-worth and THAT is what I am looking to replicate in my own life. Its not that I want to be cocky, or obnoxious, but imagine the liberating feeling of being so certain, so absolutely positive, of your own value and the success of your work.  I woke up this morning feeling cautious and unsure, still suffering from an emotional hangover from the intensity of last weekend, and I looked at you and wondered, fearfully, what you saw when you looked back at me.  Deep in my heart and radiating through my extremities I felt the deep need to shrink back against the wall, making myself small in the crook beyond the mattress like I used to when I was scared and small. I tried to keep a brave face on, but my mind was whimpering how could you possibly find anything about me attractive in the most unattractive whiney voice it could muster, crowding everything else out, your smile, the sunny day, until I was nearly catatonic in my small drama of fear and self denigration. It took until I got in my car, shaking my head to dislodge the distorted images of myself that were flashing double-time through the front of my brain, and turning on the radio, for me to pull it back together, finding a place within the lyrics of a rap song that I like to bring myself back to the confidence I had been seeping out since opening my eyes. Maybe this works for you, and maybe it doesn’t, but we all have to find some way to make it through the day, putting ourselves back together after the immediate crash into the many daily cement-wall-trip-ups. And this just so happens to work best for me.

Tagged as: body image, confidence, hip hop, lil wayne, oprah, phone home, relationships, self esteem, sex, swagger like us, women