I love to text. I unbashedly prefer texting to calling. I also find it exceptionally sexy and worthy when people respond to my texts using full sentences and big words, perhaps its the English major in me, but nothing does it for me quite like a big vocabulary.
The problem is, as much as I love texting, I am so very not fond of people who do not respond to my texts quickly, people who do not understand the clear(?) tone of my texts, and people who (gasp) do not return texts at all. This is problematic for my personal relationships, because it requires that I open my brain and remember that not everyone is attached to their phones like I am and often texts are difficult to read, as in understand, not the actual act of reading.
The other thing about texting is that it seems a lot to me like game playing, because you are able to spend time, perfectly cultivating the right thing to say to sound: cute, smart, hip, interesting, etc, instead of just blurting out the imperfect words and reactions that you are unable to avoid in face-to-face conversations or over the phone. I am terrible with games. I sucked at playing mario brothers and poker when I was ten, and I suck at it now, except now games are played with friends and lovers and I become more muddled than ever, quickly caught up in the logistics and rules without much foresight for the bigger picture.
I am trying to teach myself a lesson, and if you know me, you know that I do this quite often: notice something about myself that I find sort of loathe-worthy and/or something that is causing me undue emotion and mental anguish and I push myself through it in a way as to ensure that I will not find myself in this spot again. The lesson I am trying to learn, of which texting is only one very small but especially pertinent example, is that of giving without expecting reciprocation. The point being then that I am trying to teach myself how to be present, say what I need to say or do as it is true and honest in my heart, and then relinquish control over the future or the other person’s response, finding comfort in the fact that I was as true to myself as possible. Then, the lesson tells me, if someone does not respond in the way that I would like, or, more horrific, not at all, at least I wasn’t lying or pretending or playing some game which I obviously am bad at.
Because at the root of it all, I hate the sort of “I like your shirt”, “Oh. Thank you! I love your earrings” type of conversation or situation, where one feels obligated to return a compliment. So I am now trying to teach myself how to take a deep breath and put down my phone and remember that sometimes I just need to give things to people or communicate, and just be happy with my heart and the act of said giving, instead of anxiously waiting to see how I will be receive and perceived.
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