Sometimes there is the kind of day when you can barely make it out of bed, get dressed, and walk down the street because you are instantly immersed in a deep pool of self loathing and doubt.You open your eyes in the morning, and your thoughts quickly pull to every coulda-shoulda-woulda, to the careful swell of your arms after a week of eating French fries for every meal, to the acne that you can just feel blooming across your cheeks.
Well, everyone has days like that, and today so did I.
I woke up feeling awful. My eyes opened to immediately take in my surroundings as my brain chanted alone, alone, alone.I picked up my cell phone, you know, just to see if anyone had reached out while I was sleeping, and no, they hadn’t. Alone, alone, alone. And its funny to realize just how quickly alone becomes: unworthy, afraid, awkward, stupid, how quickly the feeling of being alone manifests itself in my body. And once that very comfortable connection is made, it’s all I can to not to slide back down, pull the blanket over my head and wish I were dead.
However, since there are many things I needed to accomplish today, pulling the blanket over my head was just not a possibility. And on days that that, when you don’t have enough time to feel sorry for yourself, but you can’t summon an ounce of strength, sometimes you just have to pretend.
Pretending to love yourself is no replacement for the real thing. That said, on those days when there is no way to keep your brain from reeling, no way to appease the same old thoughts that have plagued you since childhood, on those days: your best choice is to fake it until you make it.Self doubt is not sexy and neither is repetition. Your loved ones and friends will quickly bore of assuaging your chronic insecurities. Do yourself a favor: put on your favorite song or some silly outfit that everyone tells you that you look good in and walk out the door, even if you have to keep mouthing i am amazing in order to put one foot in front of the other.
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