This week I received this email from a lovely reader, who has granted me the permission to address it publicly.

I am writing you for a bit of advice. I have this friend who is sweet and nice and so many ways, but like so many others she speaks carelessly when making comments about people who are “overweight”. When I bring  to some friends attention attention when they bother me,  they often scoff as if I am being sensitive for no good reason, or acting as if I misunderstood them because they couldn’t possibly talking about me, and I am not the same as those other people because I am pretty..blah blah blah… Calling someone sensitive in this type of situation is just as inappropriate as calling someone insensitive when responding to a racial slur… An attempt to take away their power to feel and have an opinion, and I always get upset and sometimes back down, which isn’t like me at all.

I have written before about how to determine if a friendship is toxic and how to fire a bad friend, but I wanted to address this question on the site because this is an issue that feels larger to me than whether or not someone deserves your energy and time.

Namely, how do we begin to address the insidious nature of sizeism and weight stigma in our daily lives?

When we, as a society, permit ourselves to villainize an overweight faction of the population, labeling them lazy and fat and worthless, or viewing them as a problem to be fixed, we are limiting ourselves. Yes, there are many unhealthy overweight people. There are many unhealthy underweight people.

There are many unhealthy  people. Period.

There are many people who are caught up in some facet of trying to achieve the thin ideal, and who are dying trying to become something that they aren’t.

However, it is still politically correct to make jokes and comments about people who are overweight.

It is quite interesting how many people who would never dare to make fun of someone based on their race, ethnicity, disability, difference, or even sexual identity, but they merrily laugh along when someone dons a fat suit or scold their daughter/sister/innocent stranger on the street about their body mass index.

Now, I’ll hop partially off my soapbox to talk with you about the ways in which you can combat weight stigma and sizeism in your daily life.

  1. You’ve got to stand up for yourself.I know it’s scary. I know that standing up for yourself can feel like shining a huge spotlight on your body, but, you impact the world when you tell others, out loud, that they are offending you.
  2. These conversations can be uncomfortable. I recommend that you watch this TEDtalk with Jay Smooth about how to talk about racism, which points out the difference between saying “You’re a racist” and “that thing that you just said was racist.” I find this tactic HUGELY useful when talking about sizeism and weight stigma.
  3. Surround yourself with a supportive community – online or in real life. Find yourself some people who like you just the way you are, and watch how much more comfortable you are able to become in your skin. That comfort level will ripple out and touch all of your relationships. When you speak calmly and with careful intent, you deliver your most powerful message.
  4. Get media literate. Come up with a few blatant examples that have felt particularly offensive to you, and use them to remind you why it is that you care about this topic.

Try to remember that, for the most part, people are acting out of their own insecurities and body neuroses when they are making statements such at these. That isn’t an excuse, but we can choose to have compassion for them regardless. In a world where everyone wants to say something about your body, it can be difficult not to pick this habit up. Take to reminding them of the reasons why what they are saying is hurtful, and how you would prefer if they didn’t say things like that around you.

At the end of the day, feel free to employ this tactic: Ask for what you need, get what you get, and decide if that’s enough. Repeat twice, and if you aren’t getting what you need out of a situation, determine whether or not it is worth your time or energy to keep trying.

How do you experience weight stigma and sizeism in your daily life? What do you do about it?

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Yikes! Today’s body loving blogosphere is laaaate, BUT I have been working on on my application to Marie Forleo’s Rich, Hot and Happy B-School scholarship. So, I’m sure that you’ll forgive me. Bonus: Now you get to check out my wicked geeky entry video below this week’s lovely link round-up.

I just love this post from Julie Parker with Tips for Building Confidence.

Have you ever been terrified to take HUGE, BIG steps towards the life of your dreams, even when it means leaving so much behind? Read this post.

Do you do yoga at home? This post from Anna Guest-Jelley is about how creating a home yoga practice is a powerful tool for body acceptance.

Fear and Shame are NOT good motivators for Change, Marsha Hudnall breaks down the controversial documentary The Weight of the Nation.

Do you take the time to chew your food thoroughly? So many of us don’t and it is so important for our digestion! Check out Teeg’s The Art of Chewing.

“Grief is a stalker that sneaks into your everyday, prying open a door you’d rather never existed.” THIS post by Margarita Tartakovsky.

Have YOU broken up with your self-doubt? What the heck are you waiting for?

What are you holding on to that is no longer serving you? As per usual, Jenn Gibson hits this post out of the park.

Absolutely fantastic: Beauty Parlor Politics.

Learning to Believe What You Only “Believe.”

It is heart-breaking how often people refuse the simple act of asking for what they want. Read this, and then promptly stop doing that.

In honor of Mother’s Day – I encourage you to read Mom Enough by Hannah Marcotti. Also, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! You are fantastic lot and I hope you had a magical day of celebration + revelry.

How to get Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable. Read it.

And, as promised:

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Take out a pen and a pencil, or whip up a fresh google doc.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • If you could have any kind of life possible what would it look like?
  • How would you dress? Who would you date?
  • How would you communicate in your relationships?
  • What kind of sex would you have? How often?
  • How would you eat? How would you move your body?
  • What kind of house would you live in?
  • How would you make an income? What would that income look like?
  • What would your relationship with money feel like?
  • What would you do on a sunny afternoon?
  • What would make you feel alive?

Be patient with yourself, it may take you a little time to formulate your ideas. There may be words crossed out or written over. You may have several drafts before you get it quite right.

Words matter, take the time to choose the right ones.

The thing is, so many of us are quickly moving about our lives, running from place to place too busy to think about what we would be doing with our lives. If we felt licensed to to ask ourselves the hard questions, quietly putting one foot in front of the other as we worked towards what we actually want, how might our lives be different?

Would we look back on the years, wishing we hadn’t wasted so much time?

You aren’t wasting time when you’re living your life instead of letting your life live you.

How might it feel to make a conscious decision to construct your life with your own two hands, reveling in the strength of the foundation or the bones of the beams and rafters? How might it feel to throw your head back and laugh when you realize that, though you had the best of intentions, you tiled the inside of the closet instead of the bathroom? To pull it up and re-do it joyfully, because you are permitting yourself the time and energy to get it done right, even if it means correcting a few errors?

I imagine that it might feel really fucking good.

After you’re done compiling your draft of a life from the questions above, think for a minute about what that person might do, today.

Would they take the time for a proper lunch break? Would they spend time with their kids cooking dinner? Would they make sure that they got enough sleep? Would they go to a hip hop yoga class in the evening? Would they shut down their computer and go out for martinis with their best friend?

Do that. Start there. Live the life of the person that you want to become.

_________________________________________________________

Want to supercharge your vision and start making serious moves to step into your best life? 

Work with me.

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They Told Me To Lie To You, But I Knew You Could Handle The Truth

One time I was at a conference, and a girl said to me: Ohhh you’re that Marzipan girl. I’ve been to your site. Very dark stuff.  Good, I mean, but very dark. I started writing Medicinal Marzipan with the express goal of getting the words that were boiling up in my body out from beneath [...]

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Body Loving Blogosphere 05.05.12

Happy Sunday! I am out of town and out of touch celebrating the beginning of May, the Supermoon, and the end of my last semester of grad school. Thus I thought it would be a really good opportunity for a good old-fashioned brag post. Back in the vintage Medicinal Marzipan days, I used to ask [...]

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